Secret Club

Before I had my D&C I did not realise how many people had miscarriages and D&Cs and just how common it really is.

I was only invited in the secret club once I had my D&C and honestly I am sure we would all prefer if this club did not exist. I don’t really want to belong to this club as things like this happen to other people. But the women who are part of it are so understanding and warm. It has helped the healing process hugely to have people to talk to who understand.

I am part of a forum that is for women who are trying to conceive (be it via the conventional route, with a little help or with adoption), are with a bump or already have hooligans of their own.  I started chatting on the thread appropriate for my due date from when I was about 5 weeks. When I found out that the baby had died and I needed a D&C, I went on and told the group I would be leaving the little clique. I then noticed a thread that I had always seen but of course I always thought it would never have any relevance to me (after all I had halready had a successful pregnancy), “The pregnancy after D&C” thread. I joined this thread in the hope of some help or support and I have ‘met’ an amazing bunch of women.

Only one of my friends has had D&Cs (that I was aware of), I was aware that she had about 4 of them but all of this happened before I had met her so the circumstances surrounding them were not really discussed: the topic never arose. She was one of the first people I phoned as I knew she would have advice and tell me what to expect and really there wasn’t any one else I could think of at the time.  She lost 2 of the babies at 5 weeks, one at 8 weeks and one at 15 weeks. Subsequently we have had a few deep and meaningful conversations and I am sure it has brought us closer as friends as we now share a new common ground.

I have slowly started finding out about about more people who have had D&Cs. I bumped into a mommy that I met while I was pregnant and see on a fairly regular basis. She wasn’t aware of what had happened and asked how I was feeling (symptom wise). After I told her we got talking and it turns out she’s had 3 miscarriages. She also commented on how common it is.

I think one of the reasons people do not talk about miscarriages is because a miscarriage, unlike the death of a loved one where you are allowed to show your emotions and validate them in the form of a physical burial, is a burial of a small part of the heart. A quiet, unspoken death, which too, needs to be grieved and mourned. For me it was more of what could have been and what little world I had planned in my head.

You really do not realise how common it is until it happens to you – and really I hope it never does.


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Heart of Esther
    Nov 04, 2011 @ 07:49:32

    I love how you described it “a burial of a small part of your heart”. It seems that I am only able to grieve in private. It’s painful and desperate, and yet I feel I have to hide it-to bury it in the business of life moving on…


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